anxiety

I feel so utterly anxious. The overwhelming flow of depression has hit me full speed, without warning, and I feel like I'm crashing into a dangerous oblivion. I don't want to feel this way, no. And so when the time comes to leave my cave, I will not be this way. The public eye will see me as a person who smiles, who laughs, who enjoys life, and who hasn't a care in the world. This is how it will be, or so I hope. Not even I can assume that all people to pass me by will overlook the sadness hidden in my eyes. I am not a depressing person, no. Dear reader, I am simply a girl who struggles with bi-polar disorder. It is an internal battle which I face each day, some days with more fervor than others. I want to quell the demons within myself, but sometimes I feels too good to succumb to them. The darkness around me is suffocating and I'm allowing myself to drown within it. The only light, which shines bright, comes from the screen in front of my face. It illuminates my skin in an eerie glow which reminds me that I am no different than the next lonely person, quelling their depression. We are two and the same.

a typical march

Spring has almost arrived and St. Paddies is right around the corner. I am elated for the upcoming events and erratic about those that have passed recently. Might I also elude to a topic probably at least somewhat provoking curiosity, I am now single. The confusion I had was answered with a moment of clarity at the beginning of February. That problem has long since been solved and I have relieved myself of the cheating bastard. I am perfectly content with my solution, for now I am in the dating scene and I have taken on greener pastures. I have found I quite like to "date" as opposed to "court" hah! There is a sort of comfort in knowing I do not owe any one person a portion of my life. I do not need to check in with someone at a given time every day or watch who I flirt with. In fact, I flirt quite a bit, and I do enjoy it.

Tomorrow I have a date. This dating thing could certainly entertain me for the next few months.

One thing I truly desire is a party. I would like to attend a St. Patrick's Day party. Wouldn't you know, it is my favorite holiday afterall. Go figure, my spring break has also befallen the week of the holiday. This should be a wonderful thing, but it is not. What this means is I will be away from college, away from friends, and away from celebration. Woe be it.

The weather has mesmerized me the past month. The only clue I can give as to why I witnessed a blizzard of several feet of snow and a quick, two week transformation of climate to the high forties and even fifties, is that this is Maryland. Oh Maryland, why can you not choose a season and stick with it? Perhaps I will move. Just perhaps.